Thank you tumblr world - ilu! ♥
I get opinions and advice on everything that comes out of my mouth here. Thanks to sparkpeople, my life is no longer my own, but is a weekly/daily comic strip for people to criticize, laugh at, print out to keep, to write editorials on, to talk about at the water cooler, my life is all neatly summed up in a wee blog, literature in a hurry.
Its never the whole story, its always little bits and pieces that I feel comfortable sharing with the public. Tiny edited portions that can share how I’m feeling, reveal my reservations and neurosis, without hurting the feelings of people who don’t agree with my lifestyle, or offending the powers that be, or exposing my friends and their lives too much on the internet where they cannot defend their actions.
In other words, I have to keep this as positive and upbeat as possible to keep from getting in trouble with anyone. Which is why I can reveal my darker side and my fears and my phobias and temper tantrums, cause I cant get in trouble for being relateable on the ugly embarrassing side.
It does however, open me up to ALL KINDS of advice. All of it conflicting. Yes, all of it.
Just Be Yourself
don’t change yourself
don’t look for a man
Put yourself out there
Its easy if its “THE ONE”
Its not supposed to be easy, its supposed to be worth it
If you’re scared, he’s not “THE ONE”
Get over yourself
Get over your parents
Just do you
Just do me
Suck it up
See a therapist
Close your account
Ignore the haters
Ignore the ass kissers
They’re just jealous
They’ve got a point
Set little tiny goals
You need something GIANT to work toward
DGAF about the scale
What’s your goal weight?
Only pay attention to non-scale victories
You cant weigh 14o-something, that’s too low of a number on the machine you aren’t supposed to care about.
Stop having issues with God
Stop giving into your demons
Stop trying to people please
You gotta understand you’re in the public eye and you have to give the public what they want
don’t be so perky, no one likes perky people
Cheer up OMG
Try drinking more water
Have you tried tracking your food?
Once you lose the first 10 pounds you’ll build momentum
Do you eat vegetables?
Have you ever tried going vegetarian?
Whatever you do, don’t give up meat!
don’t run at night!
don’t run in the morning!
don’t run and do ST on the same day!
Workout whatever way makes you happy!
Do something besides run.
Find something you love and stick to it.
Give up soda!
Please don’t think I’m all pissy and mad as I’m writing this, believe me, I’m not, I’m giggling remembering a lot of it. I love when people ask me if I’ve given up soda and started drinking water yet.
You know how when you talk to dudes they try to take your conversation as a jumping off point for action? But you just wanna vent?
Sometimes I just wanna vent here. USUALLY i just wanna vent here. Sometimes I ask for feedback or advice, but usually I’m just organizing my thoughts and writing myself into being ready to handle, tackle or achieve something I’m finding hard to start. So if I get miffed at a piece of advice that you wrote on my wall, its just because I probably already heard it a million times today, or I feel as though my intelligence is insulted, or I can tell you didn’t read anything past the first line of my blog before you threw that gem in my face.
I vent here cause nobody in my life wants to hear all this sht that’s rolling around in my head 24/7. Or I’ve got them so bogged down with helping me not spontaneously combust whilst dealing with the trials, tribulations, humiliation and self-hatred that comes along with dating again for the first time in a decade.
Also- for everyone out there telling me not to look for a man… LMAO I’m NOT!
I found one, by accident, when I wasn’t looking, didn’t expect him and my life is totally interrupted (in a beutiful way). So I’m extra vulnerable and exposed right now, and therefore my skin is all raw and sensitive and not as (sortof) thick as I’ve been doing my best to build it up to be.
I’ve gotta keep my defenses down so he can get in. Unfortunately, other lil bastids are climbing over too and I’m spending a lot of time with a fly swatter.
So I need my own little world. Contrary to what I show everyone on here, I keep myself VERY locked up emotionally. I’m a lonely hiding girl. Have been for many many years.
NOT socially. Socially I have a core group that I move with and it has dozens of little off-shoot groups that I can roam among safely and with protection and love. Always padded and baby-proofed. LOL in more ways than one. But romantically, let’s just say that any time there’s a newish guy in the music network that comes over and says how he’d like to take me out sometime, there is always someone right behind him that lets out a belly laugh and says ‘Good Luck homeboy’. So I don’t even have to reject people anymore, I just smile and walk away. Yeah, that’s how I handle sht. I smile and walk away.
Here though, you poke me and I don’t walk away, I usually lose my sht. Shrug, no one is perfect.
So I need a tiny little isolated world of my own to get lost in.
Some of you know that I’ve been doing a little experiment in which I eat like crap and don’t work out so I can watch my mental well-being rapidly decline and I gotta say, its not very fun at all.
Without runs: (not diarrhea, just cardio routes)
I stress over every little thing
I can’t work out the sources of my bad feelings, only the symptoms
the stress and the confusion of my state of mind combine to create an emotional hurricane leading to night filled with tissues Jack Daniels and my chemical romance.
I have to start running again. MANANA.
If I can JUST get myself to go for the first time, the second time is easier, I know that, I preach that, I’ve lived that, I’ve stopped that. Have to go again. I may be ready right now but tomorrow morning?
If I wake up crying and miserable and scared, then I will not go- BUT THAT’S WHEN I REALLY SHOULD GO THE MOST!
Maybe I need an opposites day.
I’m getting fat again lol no I’m not kidding, i gained like 8 pounds but i dgaf because i have more pressing issues in my head, such as RUNNING BEING MY THERAPY AND I’m NOT GOING LATELY.
Motivations to run tomorrow.
I have new running capris and a new hoodie with thumbholes that I got for my bday and haven’t worn yet. WTF
The christmas lights have gone up on 5th avenue.
Pretty soon the sun wont be up this early anymore and I wont be able to do this in the morning.
This weekend, I may not be around to run, so I should get in at least one this week.
All I ask is one run this week. Just one. That’s all. Gimme a half hour. No big expectations. Just one wee trot.
I bet the Verrazano looks beautiful in this crisp clean air we’ve been having.
I swear on my life you will feel better afterward. Please please please please believe me.
Your jeans felt tight for the first time this morning.
The big burlesque show is coming up in 3 and a half weeks.
I gained a little, so I can lose a lot. I needed to see the scale move, so I gained some that would be easy to lose. Now go lose that PLUS 2 or 3 more. PLEASE.
for peace of mind for peace of mind for peace of mind
So I can get all my crazy out before the weekend
So I can face everything don’t want to thinking about by the end of mile 3 and have all the rest of that time to daydream about… well to be honest, I know exactly what I will dream about.
Being on top.
Walking around naked. You do this ALL THE TIME. You make yourself do it. Once your clothes are off, your fearless. Running tomorrow will keep it that way baby.
get your edge back
because you haven’t done something you love, other than sleep, for a long time
you have so much book stuff you’ve been pondering and running seems to be the only time you can go off into your imagination.
It would be good for my self-esteem to be out running while NYC is asleep
I am a happier person that is more fun and refreshing to be around when I deal with my own sht properly. I cant keep smiling and walking way, i have to run and cry it all out and just GET RAW with myself in order to feel better. Nothing fixes this lie running, not even ‘I missed you so much’ Hugs.
Because its time to admit to myself that I’ve hit all the walls. ALL OF THEM. And its unacceptable for me to sit here indian style, sketching pictures of the all the pretty walls closing in on me instead of grabbing my grappling hook and heading out into the brave new world on the other side.
I’m being a coward for too long of a span of time.
because I don’t have any faith in myself. I think running helps that too. I’m not sure how, but it seems to. Don’t look a gift solution in the mouth.
i want to be better than i am now.
RUNNING. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. LEAVES. ME. SMILING.
i WANT endorphins, not cortisol or whatever
you’re ACTUALLY dating an ACTUAL superhero. Yoov, gotta keep up.
don’t let the differences be what you dwell on, let them be what yoo keep trying to move past, close the gap don’t widen it.
Imagine the cool air tomorrow morning, filling your lungs, giving you goosebumps, imagine it now because it HAS to happen tomorrow.
not telling you to embrace all of your free time all at once beore you have none left, not telling you its now or never, just telling you to please go, please, for me.
I’m actually begging my inner athlete to take me for a run. What is the world coming to?
I know right
I just love to move and love to live and Im doing them both and no one can stop me. Ever.
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