Yoovie’s PLATEAU Theory - reposted for SELF

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Your brain does not evolve at the same rate as your body.

Major sections of your personality hinge on your perception of your physical appearance.

Which is controlled by your brain.

Which doesn’t change as fast as your body.

You following me still?

As you change the shape of your body, your perception of yourself does not necessarily change at the same rate. Where you may have gone from an 8 to a 6 or from a 22W to an 18… your perception of your body might not have changed at all.

This is very hindering!

“I’ve lost 50 pounds but can’t really seeee the difference!”
“I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe but I dont feel smaller.”
“I have no idea what the scale is talking about, cause I still see the fat.”
“THIS IS BULLSH*T!”

You’d think that losing the poundage would be an instant and immediate change in our reflection. But that reflection has to go through our brain filters first.

Our brain filters… some good some bad. Like?

1. Comparing to the person next to you or someone else in general. That’s the first and quickest way to alter your perception away from your simple sense of sight.
2. Comparing yourself to what you USED to see. This can be good or bad. If you are used to seeing your reflection span the entire width of the mirror and now there are several inches of bathroom wallpaper visible behind you, AWESOME. But you can see how comparing to your old self would also affect what you actually see in front of you, negatively.
3. Inner critics. Moms, aunts, best friends, significant others… all those unwanted, unbidden opinions floating around in your head… alter what your brain is processing.
4. Self-inflicted expectations. These can also be good or bad. Expectations to eat right and be active can have a postive reinforcement in your brain filters. Expectations to lose 9 jean sizes between New Year’s and the beach… ehhhh notsomuch helpful.
5. This is the tough one. This is the Reflection that you have gotten used to seeing. The YOU that you ARE. The grownup, this is me, reflection. When we are very used to seeing one person in the mirror, and she starts looking very different…. it can be very disconcerting.

NOW hold that thought….

When you are doing cardio or ST.. and you need a rest to catch your breath and get your bearings… do you take it?

When I run, I run a block or three and then walk a block, run a block or three and then walk a block. It dawned on me yesterday that that is EXACTLY how my weight loss progress goes. But if I walk too long instead of hopping back into a run at the next block… lol guess what, no loss.

emoticon Running = losing steadily
emoticon Walking = maintaining
emoticon Stopping = gaining or giving up.

Now… I walk until I can give my poor ankles a break, catch my breath and adjust my tits. Change the song on my iPod, take a picture, drink some water, ogle a hottie running past. Tie my shoes, wipe the sweat off my face, get it out of my eyes and decide which direction I will go next.

We need these little moments of walking. Think about it.

emoticon Give my ankles a break = time off for injuries
emoticon Catch my breath = take care of other things going on that have higher priority
emoticon Adjust my tits = rearrange your schedule
emoticon Change the song on my iPod = find a new way to invigorate yourself
emoticon Take a picture = stop to smell the roses along the way OR take a progress picture, take stock in how far you’ve come
emoticon Drink some water = check in on how you are caring for yourself
emoticon Ogle a hottie running past = time out for silly ish
emoticon Tie my shoes = make sure you aren’t doing anything the unsafe way
emoticon Wipe the sweat off my face = slough off the bad habits you’re steadily dropping
emoticon Get it out of my eyes = (DING DING DING - PAY ATTENTION) GIVE YOUR BRAIN’S PERCEPTION OF YOU TIME TO CATCH UP TO WHAT YOU REALLY LOOK LIKE AND FEEL LIKE NOW. YOUR ABILITIES AND DIMINISHED LIMITATIONS. There’s a new ‘you’ to get used to in the mirror.
and
emoticon Decide which direction I will go next = Decide which path to take. Do I keep maintaining this walk for a little while until I have done all those things? Do I stop? Do I quit? Can I start running again now? Left? Right? Up the hill?

There are so many things right there that we can get hung up on when we reach a plateau. Sometimes we’ve handled everything except the part where we are giving our brains and bodies enough time to SYNC UP AGAIN. It’s frustrating, I know.

Sometimes, the more weight you’ve lost… the longer that plateau might last, even if you never stop exercising regularly, never give up eating right, never slow to a walk… but it’s time that you NEED so your perception isnt completely out of whack.

I KNOW. BELIEEEEEEEEEEEVE ME, I KNOW. I spent last summer in agony, trying to live in a body that was 90 pounds smaller than the me I’d been used to for a decade. 90 pounds. That’s like… Justin Beiber.

I looked a million times better. My skin was radiant from all the water, my hair was badass as usual, but I was taking turns too widely, sucking in my stomach to edge around a chair when I had more than enough room to walk straight past it. Wearing clothing 3 sizes too big. Avoiding any kind of attention at all. Getting angry when someone would tell me I was beautiful and fit because obviously they were mocking me. I was hiding behind people (and door frames/lazy-boys/kitchen islands) still, I was being so harsh on myself. I FLAT OUT REFUSED to date anyone who was physically fit. O_o (wacked out yo)

My stubborn ass needed a plateau so I could get used to my new body.

Here’s the trick though… you can’t walk forever. One day, you will wake up…. and JUST like the day you woke up and decided (for real) to START this mission to get a better body (for real) and you will realise you can move on from your plateau. You will start running again, and your mind and body will be as one and THEN…

Then the magic happens.

How else would you describe the fact that your body won’t lose any weight that your brain doesnt want it to, despite all physical efforts?

If you’ve hit a plateau, see if you need to adjust your tits, ogle a hottie, tie your shoes, get the sweat out of your eyes or if you are just waiting to pick a direction to go next.

And when you figure it out… grab your brain and start running again.


believe-toachieve.tumblr.com

PS. just dont use this as a friggin excuse or weightloss karma will bite you HARD, babydoll.

Positively Heartbreaking (or.. how to change your life)

*pictures in this blog are from active-inspiration.tumblr.com as stated on the graphics themselves.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

which, I titled it, because I need to break my heart and mend it better than it is now. It will hurt, but it must be done if Im ever going to be happy. Sometimes breaks heal wrong, and you have to rebreak them.



I am very good at limiting.
I was taught modesty and humility and self-restraint by fatalists that told me I couldn’t prepare for college because earth wouldn’t be here anymore when I was an adult and it was pointless and insulting to invest in a temporary world that god was not in support of.

I limit how much happy I get, so I know I can pay the price it will exact from me.
I limit how close I get to realising my goals, so I don’t have to lose them.
I limit how many people are in my life so I can disappear with minimal collateral damage.
I limit how close I get to these people so I can control whether or not I can leave without hurting them.
I limit how much the people in my life know about my dark side, so they wont know the extent of my unhappiness.
I limit how much I exercise because I don’t want to accidentally end up amazingly sexy. I need to keep SOMETHING to be unhappy about or… dundundunHUBRIS
I limit my talents, I wont allow myself to get better or progress or accept money for my services.
I limit my self-esteem, to make sure I don’t become vain.
I limit my standards, so I can feel better about who I am.
I limit my dreams because if I achieve everything, then I’m one of those bitches people hate so much.
I also limit happiness because it is always inevitably followed by paralysing guilt.
I limit what I eat cause it feels like a kind of punishment.
I limit how long I date someone so that it never becomes ‘real’.
I limit my imagination because what self-centered egotistical bitch thinks she can just write an epic adventure novel?

The thing about these limitations is that I don’t start off by saying, I am going to decide to hate the music industry and all of its superficial shallow fake brown-nosing so I don’t have to succeed at live rock photography! No, these limitations come from indulging in even worse things.

I indulge in self-hatred because it protects me from the terror of believing in myself.
I indulge in denial because it means I don’t have to invest in my own future.
I indulge in thoughts of suicide so I don’t have to worry about anything long term.
I indulge in self-punishment so I can avoid the super happy times that make the sad times hurt so much more.
I indulge in my reputation as the cynical bitter old maid at work, because it feels right that I’ve been promoted five times without getting even one extra penny. Feels like punishment, I like it.
I indulge in sex without strings, so I don’t have to know what it feels like to lose love ever again.
I indulge in solitude so I can reinforce my belief that I was meant to be alone and it was the price I paid for freedom.
I indulge in self-sabotage so I don’t have to know what it would feel like to be on top and lose it.
I indulge in believing the ugly things and being offended by the positive things so that I never have to try with the extent of the power I have building inside of me.
I indulge in self-pity because the last time I did something amazing, in my own eyes, was when I was 20 years old. And I can never do anything bigger than that. So why am I trying to change when I’ve already changed completely?
I indulge in believing what I was told when I became an adult, because it means that if I succeed and thrive and find happiness and self-actualization… it means I traded love and family for it and am ok with that decision, which I’m not.
I indulge in thoughts of disappearing off the face of the planet forever because I would rather do that than let my life be a testament to the option of finding happiness BECAUSE you turned your back on your loving, imaginative, happy amazing little family.

At least I’m not indulging in fried chicken, though, right?

People ask me all the time, how has losing weight affected your happiness and self esteem?

The truth?

When the weight comes off, all you are surrounded by is your own issues instead of your own skin. No one wants to believe that being overweight has any physical ties to psychology but oh god yes it does.

When I was fat, I was hard on myself cause I was fat. But I was funny, and full of light and laughter and passion and snark and plans and adventures and more than anything in the whole world… AMBITIOUS.

Because the FAT was a fluffy protective BARRIER to REALITY and enabled my DENIAL. Its EASIER TO BE FAT because you never have to worry about finding legitimate emotions and motivations. And forget the real happy. No one can have real happy until they learn what that means.

Then I lost a justin beiber and now I’m a hermit, who poofs all the time, locks herself in her room, hides when in public, berates herself regularly to keep anything from accidentally going to her head and runs from ambition like its the Gestapo coming to publicly humiliate me. And on top of it all… I am always convinced that I’m rachel leigh cooke in She’s All That… the joke that everyone goes along with. The girl that people tell is pretty and amazing and talented… and tell he until she believes it… then publicly humiliate her. (I was raised in a religion that firmly and lovingly embraces discipline by public humiliation starting at the age of 12.)

Since I’ve lost the weight, I am constantly doubting my worth, my place in this world, whether or not I’m earning my keep on this planet, why the hell my friends are even my friends, why ANYONE would want to put their hands on me much less be willing to attach themselves to me.

Since I’ve lost this weight, I don’t laugh as much, I cry all the time, every day. I doubt my judgment and I’ve lost my instincts. Granted this also has to do with other things that have happened to me, but the padding that protected me from feeling it so keenly is now gone.

THAT’S THE THING.

If you think that losing 150 pounds is going to give you self-esteem and make your life better just like that…. then you only hear what you want to hear.

If you have issues now, they will be WORSE later.

Which is why I say that losing weight and getting healthy is not just about your health and being around for your grandkids. That’s cute and all… but its not going to get you through the cold nights staring down a bag of christmas candy or get you out the door when its raining ice.

Its about getting strong enough to HANDLE LIFE. You cant just make it about your organs and your diabetes risk and your family’s heart risk history or your cholesterol numbers. Its about you.

ITS ABOUT YOU. THE WHOLE YOU.

YOUR BODY.
YOUR SPIRIT.
YOUR BRAIN.
YOUR SENSE OF SELF.
YOUR ORGANS.
YOUR HEART.
YOUR ABILITY TO HANDLE STRESS AND OBSTACLES.
YOUR ABILITY TO USE REASON AND LOGIC.
YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
YOUR STRENGTH OVER ALL TO HANDLE LIFE.

If you train yourself to think that this is only about getting healthy, or about getting sexy, or about diabetes… you’re deluding yourself. Because once it all comes off… if you haven’t been preparing for the mental battle that comes with it, for the sudden vulnerability and exposure and having all of your issues unhidden… GOOD LUCK.

So what do I do?

I’m so tired of going first.
I’m exhausted of waking up every day and giving my 50%
I’m exhausted of waking up every day period.

Am I tired from living or am I exhausted from holding it back from happening?

Am I trying to survive or trying not to thrive?

Am I valueless as a human being because I was told that people are better off without me in their life, or am I valueless as a human being because I believed it when it happened?

I think I may be continually punishing myself because deep down inside, every day that I wake up and live and smile and laugh and TRY… Im proving that my parents’ belief system (and the one I was raised with that allowed me to have a safe, healthy, morally sound, happy imaginative childhood) is corrupt, ineffective, invasive, inhumane, cruel and most importantly… WRONG.

Can I snip this last tie to my family, made only of guilt, and let them float off into the unknown while gripping so tightly to their fantasy? Can I do that and not feel guilty about saying, ok family… thanks for birth and the tools you gave me to survive without you?

Can I stop pining for them after 15 years and accept that nothing will change?

Is it ok if I stop trying to straddle the fence between owning the choice I made, embracing my life… and behaving as though the world out here is a terrible awful place so they can still feel safe and comfortable knowing they’e made the right decision not to come out here into it? Between living my life for me… and not living it so they can still be my parents who know what’s best?

How do you wake up and say… I am right and my parents are wrong? How do you face the day when you are trying so hard to deny the fact that you know more than te people who brought you into this world?

Teenagers think so all the time and I hate minors for mostly that reason.

But Ive actually been out here in the world… and I know my parents are wrong. That has a huge impact on a person’s mindset.

I don’t know what the first step is.

If the first step is loving yourself, then I’ll have to settle for liking one thing about myself and dedicating time to doing things I love, instead.

But what’s the first step to knocking this sht off?

I have to find a way to not want this damaging stuff.
I have to find a way to figure out what the eff is wrong with reaching your dreams.

I have to fix my brain.

I know for a 100% fact, that the reason I am not losing weight anymore is simply because I don’t effing want to. Its painful. Its embarrassing. Its… about admitting to yourself that you are weak.

And I don’t wanna.

I like believing I’m strong.

Maybe that’s something else I love about myself that no one can make me believe otherwise.
I’m strong and shiny.

But I’m not strong in the places I need to be strong in at this point in my life.

Yes I stood up to an entire religion and told them No thank you to admitting myself to their rehabilitation until my thinking was adjusted enough to be allowed to have my family back.
Yes I stood up and cancelled my wedding because I couldn’t pretend to be someone I was not.
Yes I packed up everything and left the state to live on my own in the desert when I was 17.
Yes I moved to several other cities, alone, practicing to be a grown up.
Yes I survived years of physical therapy and excruciating pain with no support system.
Yes, as soon as I was able to go again, I packed everything once more and moved to the Big apple, and I’m surviving here, even when I’m broke as crap and living on supah nooders.

But none of these kinds of strong can help me get out of the hole I have believed myself into and I don’t know the way out of my own mind.

I know Joshua always tells me, Wherever your brain is, don’t stay there. But I don’t know how to unravel my belief system without coming undone.

Life would be so much easier if there was a dude in chArge, like the president of humans (NOT A GOD), and you could call him up and be like YO DUDE AM I AWESOME, AND IF I AM… IS IT OK WITH YOU IF I’m AWESOME? I JUST NEED PERMISSION SO I DON’T CONSTANTLY THINK IMMA GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING AWESOME.

Maybe I should call Barney Stinson and ask him if its ok.

Dear Barney Stinson,

I’ve been told I’m pretty awesome but I feel like, the second I believe it, the joke’s on me. I also feel like happiness comes with a price too steep for me to pay. I’m pretty sure that you are going to tell me to stop being scared and start being awesome, but I don’t know how to start.

Love,
uv



The rest of this is from this source below. I’m putting it here fr my own use but please feel free to take what applies to you. I need to get a different kind of strength and I will exhaust any resource that may help me find it. I’ve never read anything like this article before and its amazing to me so I’m keeping it. Don’t worry sparkpeople, I’m not posting anything in its friggin entirety and I DID put my source right there.

www.lifehack.org/
articles/lifehack/10-simpl
e-ways-to-save-yourself-fr
om-messing-up-your-life.html

1. Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of them either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.

2. Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen.

3. Ease up on the internal life commentary. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings.

4. Take no notice of your inner critic. Judging yourself is pointless.

5. Give up on feeling guilty. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go.

6. Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them.

7. Stop keeping score. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers.

8. Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.

9. Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it.

10. Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.



*pictures in this blog are from active-inspiration.tumblr.com as stated on the graphics themselves.

Trigger Happy Hell Bent Holidays

Monday, December 05, 2011



Dec 5-12 Assignment:

5000 cumulative total jumping jacks
conscious increase in fiber
conscious reduction in sugar
no drinking calories other than coffee
and maybe one redbull
go back to cutting up fruit for snacks, instead of walking to the bodega for junk food
skip chocolate, go for cinnamon, its better
work on new task-based grocery list
Never say anything about yourself that you dont want to come true.- Brian Tracy



I fell down yesterday.
I was walking down the hill between 6th avenue and 5th avenue on 46th Street in realllly sexy helled boots. I fell forward and skinned my right knee and its all black and well… crusty bloody disgustingness. frowny face. I hate getting hurt.

Its been decades! (about 8 months) since I skinned my knees! (that was black ice, not my fault)

Remember playing all day and coming home with scratches, bumps and bruises that you didn’t care about? I do. If I came home today, looking like I came home when I was 8… I guarantee you I’d be laying in the middle of the livingroom floor demanding that someone come save my life.

It’s winter now. I can tell by the cooler color of the light in the air. Its whiter, bluer, etc. It aint golden no mo. Winter means the sun sets at 3pm. I get home from work around 7. The sidewalks are packed from side to side for 10 miles with no way to squeeze through those slow moving elephant herds.

I mean… moms with strollers that are texting and taking a step with their right foot…
left foot…
shuffle to right foot…
shuffle to left foot…
shuffle to right foot…
shuffle to left foot…

UGH

remember in high school when you had to run a mile and there was always that group of girls that would walk the entire thing, because they were too cool for track, too hot for sweat, and had just plain too much attitude to give a rat’s ass about what they looked like, what their body was capable of, what it meant to refuse to exercise for the rest of their lives, what the teacher had to teach or how much it hurt that girls that were trying, when they passed the molassas group of bitchy whiners who would yell out things at the girls that zoomed past?

Seen any of them on facebook lately? I mean… more than a headshot?

Nope? Didnt think so.

Tonight Im going to workout out in honor of the girls at the end of the track that refused to expend energy because it wasnt cool enough.

I gotcher cool right here.

And Imma get it done despite the elephant herds.
Despite my ripped up bloody crusty knee.



I believe I can do 5000 jumping jacks between now and Dec 10. That’s 1000 per day and a day of rest. I can do 1000 jumping jacks in a day.

I’ve never done it before.
I bet I could though.

Think I can do 10 sets of 100 before I go to bed tonight?

Im also going back to a couple of things that helped me last year when I was still losing weight.

High Fiber in the morning
No drinks with calories other than coffee and the occasional redbull (for work purposes only-mandatory)
Switching out cinnamon for chocolate (in lattes, desserts, breakfasts, snacks, spices, garnishes, etc)

^ these three things tell me something else that I have forgotten since I stopped losing weight.

I lost my mornings.

I used to walk to work and get my 20 minutes on the way there and 20 more on the way home easy peasy… but now I walk 4 minutes and sleep in the van for an hour on my way to work. I need to reclaim my mornings.



RECLAIM SUNRISE!

emoticon Start having breakfast at home before leaving, instead of at your desk when you get to work.
emoticon Set your alarm for 45 minutes earlier.
emoticon if you can’t go for a run, go for a walk.
emoticon if you can’t go for a walk, do an ST session in your room.
emoticon if you can’t do ST, do at least 100 jumping jacks.
emoticon there is always time for jumping jacks.
emoticon there is nothing wrong with only exercising for 20 minutes in the morning.
emoticon 5 minutes to put on your workout clothes. YES FIVE.
emoticon 5 minutes to walk in circles, locate keys, tie shoes
emoticon 20 minutes to run around the hood
emoticon 30 minutes is enough time to make a difference in your day.
emoticon Its nice arriving to work with a brain that’s alive.
emoticon If I dont get this into a habit quickly, I will only see sunshine on weekends because of my work hours and that is not acceptable and is just asking for SAD.
emoticon You can only do the sunshiny morning runs that you love so much… IN DA MORNIN
emoticon If you can reclaim time for yourself in the morning, for a workout, a bath, the time to enjoy the process of getting ready for the day… then you automatically win the day. You’ll feel better and you wont have to worry about working out because it will be DONE DONE DONE already.




I’m going to have to get trigger happy.

impatient
impulsive
quick tempered
with minimal thought processes

I think I could embrace this. What if every time something pissed me off, made me sad, made me happy, tickled my fancy, triggered a memory… a smell, a song, a feeling in my bones… set me off on an impulsive selfish run?

Cant wait
Wont wait
Need it now
Gimme Gimme Gimme
Get out my way
click click BANG
im gone…

I think Im going to do my best to have a trigger happy December to kick off my hell-bent holiday season.



emoticon HELL BENT HOLIDAY SCHEDULE WEEK ONE! emoticon

hell·bent   /ˈhɛlˌbɛnt/ [hel-bent]

adjective
1. stubbornly or recklessly determined.
2. going at terrific speed.

adverb
3. in a hellbent manner; with reckless determination; at full speed.

emoticon Monday = BE STRONG (at least 1000 jumping jacks & work on ARMS)
emoticon Tuesday = TRIM DOWN (at least 30 minutes running & 1000 jumping jacks)
emoticon Wednesday = TIME TO TONE (at least 1000 jumping jacks & work on LEGS)
emoticon Thursday = BURN FAT (At least 30 minutes running & 1000 jumping jacks)
emoticon Friday = GET DEFINITION (1000 jumping jacks & work on CORE) emoticon Saturday = REWARD WORKOUT (long run)
emoticon Sunday: Make my schedule for next week based on strong, trim, toned, burn fat, get definition, reward, plan.

Im HELL BENT on changing my body again.
Im HELL BENT on seeing progress again.
Im HELL BENT on getting results.
Im HELL BENT on working up a real sweat.
Im HELL BENT on embracing my demons and bringing them with me.
Im HELL BENT on seeing the scale say 169.0.
Im HELL BENT on feeling my jeans sliding off.
Im HELL BENT on being able to yank off my jeans without unbuttoning them when I really need to pee.
Im HELL BENT on eating beautifully.
Im HELL BENT on getting stronger.
Im HELL BENT on getting better at what I can already do.
Im HELL BENT on losing weight.
Im HELL BENT on losing more than just inches.
Im HELL BENT on getting the most out of December.
Im HELL BENT on NOT ending this year as a loser with more weight than she started at.
Im HELL BENT on ENDING 2011 AS A DAMN WINNER.

I have had enough and Im going to get that scale on the same page with me or I will hell-bend it in half.

Thursday

Thursday, November 24, 2011

emoticon I know I love myself because today I:

emoticon started the day with a 4K
emoticon scratched up the last of my change to cook something beautiful to bring to dinner
emoticon stretched for almost 30 mins
emoticon took a long luxurious bubblebath
emoticon started getting ready early enough to take my time and not be rushed
emoticon remembered to charge my camera
emoticon checked myself out in the windows I ran past
emoticon took pictures from the top of Sunset Park
emoticon got yummy holiday coffee
emoticon didnt decide to stay home and hide from my friends today.

Exercise is the root of all problems

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

SO I woke up this morning and I was going to force myself to run but it was pitch black and raining and I already have a cough so instead of running, I finally located a carpeted area in my house where I can do jumping jacks without falling through the floor or shaking the entire block. SO I did 200 and a set of squats with 20 lbs weight and a set of shoulder presses, same weight.

Not much, not a big deal, not an hour sweat session, but more than I did yesterday.

Then I went for a mile walk.

Tomorrow, I will do more than that and see how many days in a row that I can do more than I did the day before.

More can be 10 extra jumping jacks, more can be adding another set of two ST exercises, more can be a 5K or a 7 mile walk, more can be 10 crunches and 200 jumping jacks… it doesnt matter, as long as I add to what I did the day before.

I think that works well for building consistency and gradually upping my activity at the same time.

Just beat what I did yesterday.

Even if its just an extra 5 minutes.

I can do that.

Especially since today is already done.

Also because I’ve realised that exercise is behind all the problems in my life. All of them. No no hear me out.

When something isnt feeling balanced or healthy or normal or good, then its probably because of exercise. It’s tied in to everything.

Ive been told on a few occasions that I should think about talking to people that are working on the maintainance part of losing weight… how to keep it off when you get to your goal weight. Well this ‘plateau’ Ive been on for the last year+ is pretty much me maintaining. (Except since I switched to whole grains two weeks ago, Ive put on 10 pounds, skyrocketed back to the 180s and pretty much died inside). Here’s what I leared about exercising from the maintenance point of view.

Im extra PMS this week, overemotional and oversenstive… oh I must need to exercise.
Im having trouble focusing on work and projects… oh I must need to exercise.
Im grumpy and out of sorts… oh I must need to exercise.
I have a short fuse on my temper… oh I must need to exercise.
I have no energy and feel lethargic and lazy all the time… oh I must need to exercise.
Ive been munching mindlessly lately and can’t figure out why… oh I must need to exercise.
Im feeling insecure and my self-esteem is dropping daily… oh I must need to exercise.
My confidence is wobbly at best today and I don’t feel like I can handle what’s been going on at work… oh I must need to exercise.
My brain is disorganized and working against me… oh I must need to exercise.
My moods have been generally low lately and I cant seem to pull myself out of this funk… oh I must need to exercise.
There’s nothing ever on tv anymore… hmmph… oh I must need to exercise.
Im fighting insomnia again!!!!… oh I must need to exercise.
Im useless, I dont know why my friends even put up with me and my useless ass… oh I must need to exercise.
I dont feel shiny or pretty or loveable or like I have a friend in the world… oh I must need to exercise.
My back is killing me… oh I must need to exercise.
I hate being on my period, I feel so ugly and sore and fat and im always in pain… oh I must need to exercise.
I feel a burning desire to pull the plug on all my personal relationships and disappear forever into the sunset… oh I must need to exercise.
Im picking fights with my bffs, my roommates, my boss and my man… oh I must need to exercise.

… oh I must need to exercise is my new trigger phrase.

Speaking of bffs… I miss mine.

I spoke with a mutual friend recently who totally helped me with straight guy feelings translation when I first started realising that my Superhero and I were slipping into bf/gf mode. I explained to him how when I try talking to my bff about the things Im scared of/freaking out about/gonna eff up, I get the whole “that’s awesome, Im happy for you, dude” and I can’t ever have a conversation about what’s bothering me beyond that line. He told me to not share anything with any of the guys in the band at all, that they arent going to like it, dont wanna hear it and its best if I keep quiet on it. Cause the band is used to me being single, and being ‘their Bri’ and none of them want to think about what it means for me to be in a relationship instead of available all the time and giving them my individed attention. Which I don’t think they give that much of a rat’s ass, or even that they feel that way at all, but his advice has never failed me.

So while Ive been trying to navigate these uncharted waters with my sharkslayer, Ive been sitting in my nest of fairy lights thinking myself into disaster after disaster and occasionally dumping a little of it on Jen and a pinch here and there on _TRIXIE_ and my poor AB girls.

SO its been weeks if not over a month since Ive had a conversation with my BFF that wasnt about what to eat or when we are planning on seeing each other again. There is a big ass wedge there now and I keep going radio silent for as long as I possibly can, just so I can try to not talk about anything they dont want to hear about, and because basically, since July, Ive been a big fat wet blanket.

So now when he texts me, I just stare at it and let my eyes fill up with tears and try not to make him feel guilty or be too honest.

And I try not to show too much happy around friends that are having a rough time or dealing with the other side of dating.

And I try not to lean on Jen and Tom too much about my worries so they dont think Im completely wrapped up in myself.

And I try not to bug my man by texting him or anything, good lord I think Ive only called him once ever and he didnt pick up cause he was in the shower.

And I just keep spending all my energy on swallowing the sht in mt head and being as unintrusive and non-burdeny as possible… oh I must need to exercise.

And my new job/promotion/whatever is really hard and time consuming and OF COURSE BIG SURPRISE no raise just like my other 4 promotions sob whine bitch moan… oh I must need to exercise.

So my Thanksgiving dinner I was going to cook at home tomorrow is null and void because Im going up to visit some married friends of mine for Thanksgiving instead of spending it with the band.

Or my man.

Or family.

Can I just wake up next year? I really hate this time of year. THe world spends so much time and energy making people feel like complete and utter crap… oh I must need to exercise.

Happy Thankscalories.

emoticon I know I love myself because today I:
worked out
took a walk and got coffee
picked up more fairy lights for my room for $1 
had a yummy pretty breakfast
took pictures of it
printed out new recipes to try



I has a sad.

psst

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I had an AMAZING morning.

I went for a run. FINALLY, finally trusting my ankle to go with me again. It was humid and foggy and eerie end of days at the beginning, totally zombie weather.

I set me new wind up metal clangclangclang windup alarm clock for 5 am, just to be SURE that I was up early enough to get in a substantial run. I laid there, and laid there, and slipped in and out of the dream I was having, stretching, procrastinating.
Then I just laid there imagining myself getting up and going, but then that started putting me to sleep.
So all of a sudden a little voice starts saying,

psst
hey you
pretty girl under the blanket
i know youre all warm and cozy
but its not very cold outside today
and there is some fun to be had
there’s a nice broad leaf-covered sidewalk
waiting for you to crunch crunch crunch
waiting for you glide through the gold and red and fiery brilliance of fall

pssst
hey you
happy girl hiding behind her pillow
today is a day to celebrate
and we both know why
how else would be better than baring your smile to the sky
and feeling the cool wind in your hair
and get yourself all nice and out of breath

psssst
hey you
blushing girl
stick your cute little feet out from under the blanket and wiggle yours toes
go ahead and laugh at me and giggle all you want
i know its silly, prodding you
but youll be so glad I did

now put some goddamn clothes on, baby, and let’s go hit the road.






Im sorry I did not get more pictures but most of my run time was in the fog, also the lights on fifth avenue are on at Nighttime- so yall will have to wait for those pictures, Im so sorry.


But the trees were so beautiful and I was so pissed that my touchscreen wasnt working in the fog, but its supposed to be better tomorrow morning so Im going to try for pics at the lake at sunrise, because that sounds to me like one of the most relaxing refreshing inspiring ways to start a weekend, when you only have a half work day left in your way.

Im going to get some beautiful shots tomorrow.

I CANT WAIT.

(and im just going to keep saying that all day today and all night tonight)

I cant wait!
I cant wait!
I cant wait!

Also, am officially no longer single. If that is something that inspires you to tell me something about myself, please to dont.

A vision without a plan is a halluciation

Monday, November 07, 2011

I finished my week long temper tantrum of refusing to workout (ok its been almost a month since Ive been able to run) and eating anything I want to. I ate nothing but Halloween candy on one day. This doesnt mean I ate ALOT of halloween candy, just that that was all I consumed that day.

Lately I have been feeling very strongly as though, not only am I being boring and have nothing to talk about anymore, but also as though thinking about planning an outline for possible future action talks about doing something perhaps… is all I do.

*Squints eyes at self*

This is very not sexy. I thrive on pride in my own ambition. I really get my rocks off on accomplishing ish.

I spent this weekend thinking about the joys of being single, and I’ve decided to celebrate being single, and appreciate the heck out of it, because someday, whether its this month or 10 years from now, Im not going to be single anymore. And its gonna suck.

So Im going to celebrate beig single in November. No Drama November.

Wait… some people assume that ‘celebrating your single status’ means getting all hoed up and stumbling around from bar to bar with a bunch of other girlfriends, while trying to hunt down and kill poor innocent men via over-the-top drunken seduction torture.

THIS IS NOT celebrating being single. This is celebrating being-so-horny-you-dont-care-w
ho-knows-anymore-and-you-j
ust-got-loose.

SINGLE means these things to me…

emoticon When I slip out of bed in the morning to go for a run, there is no tempting piece of meat laying there next to me, threatening to distract me for the entire 56 minutes I have available for my workout and probably make me late for work too. There is no “I dont want to ever leave this bed baby, let’s just pretend we have hours left”…. etc etc etc. Nope. Right now, I can throw the blankets off me as though they personally insulted me without having to worry about personally insulting the hot man shaped lump giving off all that tantalizing warmth.
Nope. me and my shoes, off to get some.
emoticon If I am not starving for a big manly meal, I dont have to cook OR eat one.
emoticon If I don’t have to spend an hour in the bathtub, shaving, buffing, waxing, polishing, scrubbing, soaking, exfoliating, moisturizing… then Im going todo smelly, unladylike ST moves in the extra time before I shower.
emoticon If I don’t have to split my time up between two best friends AND a man, then I have more time to focus on my own self, having the time to actually INDULGE in cleaning and organizing and changing my room around, updating my closet instead of just doing laundry.
emoticon If I dont have to take a bath tonight, cause someone is gnna be in bed with me, then my ass is going to bed dirty, so I can wake up and workout without ruining my fresh hairdo, and I can get all bubbly when I get home hot and sweaty.
emoticon If someone isn’t curled up next to me on the couch, I dont gotta stay there.
emoticon I don’t have to rudely ask anyone to leave my room at the crack of dawn so I can workout without feeling like an idiot.
emoticon I have way more time to kill in the evenings, for long walks, dinner trips to the farmers’ market, etc, and I dont have to worry about them not liking anything I am going to cook tonight… caue these Brussels sprouts with bacon are MINE anyway and you cant have any.
emoticon Never thinking to myself, ‘well you have a man, so you dont really need to work hard on your body anymore’. (seriously when I hear girls say this, I want to hire a hitman. this is another reason why dudes get all pissy about commitment- cause as soon as they claim these wonder-thinker-type-girls, and she quits caring about herself and packs on 50-60 pounds, the guy is stuck wondering wtf and his boys are like lol told you so)
emoticon Less chance of overeating/overdrinking when you aren keeping pace with someone else.
emoticon Not having to do nothing all morning so you dont get all gross before you meet up for 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 oclock… you know how your brain works
emoticon no refusing to schedule anything else on date days, like somehow our brains think that dates start the second we get off work last until tomorrow. Doesnt matter, no date? no reason to waste an entire day via overjustifying
emoticon Being able to take my camera to Central Park or Prospect Park or MoMA or AMNH or the Met or just window shopping or somewhere and wander aimlessly on foot until I feel like meandering home, and not having to worry about whether someone is waiting or worried or looking for me. Or mad cause I stood them up.
emoticon Trying out new foods and recipes and mad concoctions without having to feel like I should stick with normal or classic dishes so I dont freak him out or give him an allergic reaction. I can be as brave as I want.
emoticon Not having someone tell me everytime I guess within 100 calories of my total meal intake that I have an eating disorder and should just enjoy my food. Bitch this IS how I enjoy my food. I count it. the I NOMNOM it.
emoticon Only having to worry about my own criticisms landing on my belly and thighs and not convincing myself that some beautiful kind sweet man is also thinking these wretched things about my body. Therefore me not committing murdah.
emoticon Being able to dance like a ferret on meth in the livingroom just to burn off some calories cause im bored and no one is home.
emoticon nevermind i hate myself i will finish this retarded plan tomorrow

TO BE CONTINUED